Regrets
by Phoebejoeyfan
Summary: The balance of the mind is a fragile thing. So when two friends are pushed to their limit just how far will they go to get what they want? Mondler and PhoebeJoey


Chapter 1  
  
Regrets  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with friends  
  
A/N Ok here we go with a new story...I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing by starting yet another new one, what with the fact I have another 7 million (that's how many it feels like) on the go, but I'm sure I'll find out in time, when my stress levels go through the roof. :o)  
  
Enjoy  
  
Life in the Gellar/Bing household was bleak to say the least.  
  
Yeah, they loved each other, very much so in fact, but their life had a huge gaping void and only one thing could fill it and that thing was a baby.  
  
Chandler paced outside the bathroom door, walking no more than a few feet before stopping and about turning to pace in the opposite direction. Over and over again he did this, repeating his actions for a few minutes, his pace quickening with each turn until his legs and his brain could take no more.  
  
He halted himself mid stride, fully aware that he was 1 more tread away from wearing away the floor boards and lightly rested his hands on the wooden frame which surrounded the bathrooms closed door.  
  
He was no stranger to this routine. In fact he was becoming quite the seasoned professional at waiting around for his hopes to be dashed. If this was an Olympic event he was positive he would win a gold medal for it.  
  
This routine didn't end here though, it lasted for a full four weeks. Four weeks of coping with severe disappointment and putting on a brave face while he comforted his wife to be, trying and failing to ease the anguish which she felt each time that little white stick failed to give her the result she desperately sought after.  
  
Every time she stood in that doorway with tears in her eyes, shaking her head from side to side to signify they had been unsuccessful yet again it created an agony in him which felt like a body blow directly to the stomach, over and over, until it felt like there was no more air left in his lungs, or energy left in his heart to carry on.  
  
This time was sure to wind him completely. Just how much more heartache could they both endure before it was time to call it quits?  
  
He rested his forehead on the door and listened intently for the sound of the heart wrenching sobs in which he had been accustomed to hearing, but all he could hear was silence- Eerie, deadly, silence.  
  
"Monica?" He whispered her name so quietly he could hardly hear himself say the words. He waited patiently for a response, if any.  
  
Click  
  
His back immediately straightened out and his grip on the wood tightened. She was ready to end his torment.  
  
The bathroom door gently began to ease ajar, a millimetre at a time until it was full opened and they were in full vision of one another.  
  
The anticipation was too much for him. He had to know. He had to have the results, so he could get over the regret and prepare himself for next time.  
  
"So?" His mind was a whirl with mixed emotions...his body didn't feel like his own...his lip trembled with nerves, his stomach knotted and his legs turned to jelly.  
  
He surveyed her ashen face for some kind of reaction but it remained motionless and staring. She could hardly answer-she was too much in shock.  
  
"We're having a baby!"  
  
"We're having a BABY!" She screamed it for a second time...having heard it the first time out loud made her excitement erupt.  
  
"Wh-what?" Were his ears deceiving him? A baby? They were finally pregnant!  
  
"Oh, Monica! I'm over the moon!" The realisation hit him like a ton of bricks making him jump back.  
  
"We need to prepare! That spare room needs to be painted and we have to move all the junk out to make room for a crib, and..."  
  
"Whoa, slow down there Mr Hasty!" Monica's beaming smile was like a ray of sunshine.  
  
"I still have to see the Dr. to make sure everything is ok, and then we have 9 months after that to get prepared!"  
  
"Yeah, you're right" Chandler felt himself calm down, slightly  
  
"But it wouldn't hurt to start pricing some things, would it?" He knew Monica would never be able to resist a day of trawling around baby stores.  
  
"You go hail a cab and I'll grab my coat!"  
  
He did just what he was told...Anything for the woman who was carrying his child.  
  
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"Phoebe!"  
  
"Phoebe!!!"  
  
"PHOEBE! The baby just threw up!" Joey pranced around the room with their son in his arms. The baby was screaming his head off and vomiting all over Joey in the process.  
  
"God, Joey. Do you need me to do every God dammed thing?! Are you completely incompetent?" Phoebe stormed out from behind the bathroom door, angrily wrapping a fluffy pink towel around her water soaked body.  
  
It had only been three weeks since she had given birth and already it was turning into a nightmare she wished she would wake up from.  
  
She had known she wasn't ready for Motherhood and all the commitments it brought with it when she had found out she was pregnant with Joey's baby, but as usual everyone had talked her around, telling her it would be the most wonderful experience she would encounter in her life. What bullshit! She wished she could turn the clock back 9 months and ignore them, going with her own instincts instead. She wouldn't be in this mess right now if she had.  
  
Her drunken one night stand with her friend was the biggest mistake she ever made, and she had made so many of them, but this topped the lot by far!  
  
Here she was, lumbered with a baby boy...no make that two baby boys. Joey was as mature as 3 year old in her eyes, sometimes taking more work than her son did. She had only agreed to marry him for the sake of Joseph Francis Jr. It was the right thing to do after all, wasn't it? It had to be. She had to give her son the secure family life that she never had...even if that meant sacrificing her own happiness.  
  
"Jeez! Can't you do anything right! I was tying to take a bath, and maybe, just maybe get to relax. But there's no chance of that around here, is there!"  
  
"Hey, don't shout at me ok! I'm trying my best here, and I'm sorry if that's not good enough for you! I'm no baby expert and I know that! I don't need to have you biting my head off 24/7 and treating me like shit to realise I'm not gonna be up for the father of the year award! I feel shitty enough about it without you adding to it!" it took a lot for him to raise his voice like that, but the last few weeks had taken there toll on his patience and sometimes he felt his temper get out of control and it took a hell of a lot for him to suppress it.  
  
He had known from the start that being a dad was never going to be easy, hell, he had babysat his sisters' wayward kids enough to realise that, and read every single Dr. Spock parenting digest there was, but no baby book had prepared him for this.  
  
Phoebe and he were at each others throats practically every minute of every day and he hated it. They're friendship was strained to say the least and his love for her as his best friend was diminishing rapidly with every scream and bad word that left her mouth.  
  
The wise thing to do right now was to go and sleep in the spare room. The room in which Chandler once lived, before all of their lives had spun out of control and taken a 360 degree turn.  
  
Oh how he longed to have those good old days back...The days when life was easy, and care free, when all he had to worry about was who his next conquest would be. But those days were well and truly gone. He had a family to support now and he had to be a man and deal with the responsibilities that duty brought about.  
  
Life would never be the same again...for anyone.  
  
He closed over the door and lay down on the bed that would be just his for the time being, and in turn shut out his family, for the night at least or until he had calmed down and sorted out the mess that was in his head.  
  
He had a lot of re-evaluating to do if things were ever going to return to the way they were.  
  
But was he hoping for too much? Could things ever be the same again?  
  
It wasn't likely.  
  
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Phoebe stared blankly at the brand new wooden crib which held her son who was wailing hysterically, as she sat slouched at the bottom of the empty double bed, deep in depressive thought.  
  
As far as she was concerned her life was over, and she was only 32.  
  
She had no job, very little money to survive on, friends who were too wrapped up themselves to care about her problems and a baby that everyone kept telling her she was supposed to love, but she couldn't. He was the cause of all her problems! He was the accident that should never have happened. How on earth was she to love him when her heart screamed hatred?  
  
The bright pink cushion which sat neatly on the rocking chair that Rachel had presented to her at the baby shower Monica had forced upon her caught her attention and suddenly hope bubbled in her for the first time in months.  
  
She rose from the bed like a zombie, her eyes bloodshot and swollen from all the crying she had been doing, and the lack of sleep that she was not in the least bit handling.  
  
She lifted the large, square pillow and ran her hand rhythmically across the top of it like she were stroking a kitten, while she further toyed with the idea that was running through her head.  
  
Was this her only escape? Could this be the solution she long hoped for?  
  
She walked fearfully to the crib, leaning over it as she approached, her eyes locking manically on the little person who lay there bawling for attention.  
  
The cushion still in her hand, she lifted it high over the wooden barrier so that it was just inches from his face.  
  
Her hands shook as she tried to urge herself to lower it even further.  
  
"Need to stop him crying!" She repeated it over and over like a mantra in monosyllabic tones, dropping the pillow closer towards him with every word spoken.  
  
She was so close. Soon it would all end. No more painful weeping from ether of them.  
  
She halted.  
  
"NO!"  
  
What was she doing!  
  
She backed herself away until her body hit the wall and she could move no more.  
  
The cushion fell silently to the floor as she clasped her hands firmly onto her face in terror at the realisation of what she had almost been driven to.  
  
She had almost suffocated her own baby!  
  
How had things gotten this bad?  
  
She had to get help and quickly. Before she did something she would regret. 


End file.
